How can I healthily get over someone?
First, it is crucial to determine if there is a relationship. So many times, I have seen scenarios when a woman or a man believes they are in a relationship. This woman or man is committed to the other party, investing energy and time into a relationship that the other party is unaware of.
Not so long ago, we introduced a gentleman and a lady. They liked each other and gave positive feedback about their first date, which logically led to a second and third date. They had three dates, several phone calls, and lots of texting in between. After three dates, however, our male client said he was not sure about his date (let’s call her Anna) because, in his opinion, she craved lots of attention and romance, and he was not the type of a guy who would stay on the phone till 1 a.m. till one of them falls asleep. He had to wake up at 6 a.m. to get ready for work. So, although he found Anna very attractive and she was also ten years younger (in her late 20s), our client finally agreed that we were from the very beginning right. He should date someone more mature and down to earth (the client has insisted on dating someone only below 30 (he was 38) and only someone artistic and beautiful with a flexible working schedule.
He has promised to call or text Anna and tell her that he was unfortunately not seeing long-term perspective in building their acquaintance further, despite strong physical attraction. Well, Anna is a hot, much younger girl. But I guess our client has chickened out, and instead of a nice clean break, he has decided to reduce their texting till it dies off naturally.
After talking to our client four weeks ago, Anna called us saying she worried about her boyfriend. We were a bit confused with her choice of words – a boyfriend. Who was she talking about? It turns out that Anna has “continued dating” our client and even has given their relationship an official status.
Now some of you can claim our client is a villain in this story. He should have told her upfront that he lost interest instead of dragging their texting for one more week. This would have been an honorable thing to do. Instead, after the talk with us, he and Anna exchanged a few more texts – she was texting, and he was answering once or twice per day, and then he just stopped answering her at all and moved on. Not very gentlemanly. A few days after that, we introduced him to another lady, and they already had four dates and were still both interested. We were sure he had told Anna he had lost interest.
But what about Anna? She and our client were never intimate. She kissed him on the cheek after their 2nd date, and they held hands on date number 3. In Anna’s head, it was enough to claim they were meant to be. So, after the gentleman didn’t ask her out on the next date, and his short texts turned into answers to her questions only, instead of asking him up front if he was still interested in dating her, she created a different scenario in her head. In this scenario, they were dating and mutually in love, and her boyfriend was just busy for three weeks! Anna has built a relationship purely in her imagination. She has fallen in love with a man she knew for three dates only and has given their love an official status.
For Anna, it was tough to get over her imaginary boyfriend because, in her head, their love was pure and strong, and the fact that her imaginary boyfriend had cheated on her – has truly hurt her. In real life, a man she has met three times has decided she is not the right woman to pursue courtship, and he has started looking for someone else. In real life, Anna just had three dates. This is hardly a relationship. No one has asked for her commitment, but she has gladly proclaimed herself committed to a guy she has just met.
In Anna’s case, she should talk to a psychologist and a dating coach and work through her attachments. Otherwise, it will be hard for her to build real relationships. On and on, she will fall for imaginary boyfriends and live in fictional relationships.
But if your relationship was real. If both of you were dating each other and you had the talk about being exclusive, then, of course, a real break from a real relationship would hurt.
So how to healthily get over your ex? The first step is blocking your ex on social media not to have this constant itch to check their profile.
Of course, if you have kids together, it is impossible to block the other person everywhere, but you shouldn’t be subscribed to their Instagram or Facebook page spying on the photos they share. This won’t give you the closure you need.
Also, if you have blocked/deleted contacts of your ex (of course, if you do not have kids together), you won’t give in to the quick temptation to send a drunk text or even a sober one when you feel incredibly sad.
Another important tip: be busy! Get involved with a new hobby: sign up for a yoga class or start learning Spanish. Scientists say that learning a foreign language gives a similar level of satisfaction as having sex. And there is always a chance that you will make new friends or meet a cute guy (or cute girl) in your Spanish or yoga class.
Don’t run home after the office. Besides, start going out and doing fun stuff. Enjoy your single time – learn how to make sushi, attend wine tastings, and sign up for a photography class you always wanted.
And, of course, if you feel ready – start dating again. It is better to date after blocking your ex. It is ok if you sabotage a few dates, you will catch the right mood and will start enjoying the dates.
And when you start thinking about the “what if,” – write a letter to your ex but don’t send it. In this letter, describe in detail why it didn’t work out. If you ever try to get back together, chances are ridiculously high that you will break up because of these same reasons you have described in that letter. Have you written a letter? Good, send it to your psychologist or matchmaker if you have one – if not – delete it. There is no sense in rereading it.
And treat yourself with a massage or manicure and pedicure. You deserve this. Life goes on. Your ex is already in the past. Life is too precious and short, so enjoy it and don’t waste time on something or someone in the past.